Growing Up.

It's not such a bad thing really. In fact, I've been waiting to grow up since as long as I could remember. I don't know why, but there was always more to life than what was really in front of me. I've always wanted to know about love, about families, about jobs, and what makes the world go round. Not of a scientific manner of course, but of a different sort of function. What makes people do what they do? I'm curious. Always have been and always will be. Yet, I can't stop trying to figure people out. It can either hurt you, or make you closer with someone. People don't like being told what their doing wrong, what their thinking, or how they should live their lives. So who are we to tell them? There is nothing that I could ever do or say to someone that would make them wish they had never met me. I just can't. Have you ever looked at someone? I mean REALLY looked at someone? Their face... their expression... their body language? If you honestly care about someone... pay attention to them! It's nice to see that people notice when you're not doing so well, or even when they are! It shows you care! So quit caring about what people think and open up to others.. open up to yourself! I realized that I missed telling people how I was really feeling, because if you don't say something, it will never be said. I'm tired of being treated like a baby and not being aloud to grow up like everyone else. But, when you're the baby of a large family, it's what you'll always be. You just have to accept it and show them you don't act like one. So I've taken responsibility in job searching, driving, friendships, relationships, church, and anything else that you can think of. I have to live up to my expectations for myself. But when you've gone through so much so soon at such a young age, you begin to think things are impossible. That's truly where hope comes in. Because when you lose that, what are you really living for? It's like going through the actions of living, without actually living! WE'RE DONE WITH THAT! Get off of your butt and live! Do things that you're afraid of! Travel! Make new friends! Do what makes you happy! Because after all, everyone deserves to be happy.

a heavy heart aches in the loss of a loved one

I lost my eldest brother Kale Daren two weeks ago in a car accident just off of the base in Colorado. I had been babysitting 6 energetic children and just got home to get my jacket and head for the stake dance. Just as I walked in my sister came and got me and told me that something was wrong. We cried silently together as we thought something must have happened to my grandpa, who had been in the hospital. Little did we know, it was someone much closer to us. My dad sat us down and just said Kale's name; before I let him finish talking I bust into tears. We all knew what that meant, that our brother, our hero, son, and friend.. was gone. I knew it wouldn't be the last that I ever got to see him, but my heart broke in thought of losing someone I really and truly looked up to. Today is March 3rd, 2010. The day he was born, 24 years ago. As this day will be hard, we have planned a fun one at that. One with those who are close to us, to bring us joy on his birthday. I feel an unmeasurable amount of guilt knowing that I had not gotten up at his funeral services to say something about this truly amazing man. He was the best of the best. He had flaws, but don't we all? Instead, my brother would have looked past that. He took in everyone, a heart that was immensely larger than that of any regular human being. As everyone bore of the loss we all felt, the man we knew, and the side that some of us didn't quite get to know. My family and I knew the fun, loving, joking side to my brother.. but we didn't get to see the man he was becoming as a soldier in the United States Army. His battle buddy Mike, told a story about the side we didn't know. He said that his wife had gotten sick and he was sent home on an emergency note; as he was leaving, he had his equipment that needed to be carried. My brother graciously took that extra weight (80-100 pounds) with a smile upon his face. For about a month he carried this along with his own, not once did he utter a complaint. Even when the heat of the sun among Iraq beat upon him. Every time Mike would call, my brother always asked how his wife was doing.. not "when are you going to get here and take your stuff". Another time was when one of the soldiers wasn't handling being in Iraq very well.. my brother talked him through it. We had received many flowers and cards telling us about the man he had become and how they loved him, and that their prayers were with us. My brother was a true hero to me.. even though he didn't see himself as one. He had received many awards while over there and he mentioned it once, brushing it off like it was nothing. But it wasn't nothing.. he proved himself to be a hard working, intelligent, determined, and thoughtful man which clearly impressed those he worked with. My brother was amazing.. always making you laugh and smile. The last time I saw him was when I was in school. He randomly came home to visit shortly after returning to America. Security guards came to the auditorium where I was and told me that I was needed by the principle. We slowly walked towards the office and I was told to wait there. My brother pops up out of no where and I just sank to the floor and cried. It was ridiculous how much I had missed him. During the funeral services, my mother decided to talk. She mentioned that I was his devoted pen pal while he was in the military and that he loved me so. Kale will be missed. I love him so much and I don't think I would be the person that I am today without him.

Lds, family, love, weakness.

So my school has a lot of lds kids; which deffinatly makes it easier now that I'm not the only one at my school, but harder at the same time. It's like my belief is being questioned. It's horrible to see some of the friends I've made, that call themselves good lds people, and yet they do these things that just aren't right. I'm not saying their not good people; but to show that they are giving into the world? How can they call themselves good lds members. Isn't the point to set good examples and share the gospel? It's been hard for me to see my family going through the rebellion stages of the church. My brother, a former missionary, has gone through some tough times and his faith has stuggled a bit. But my mom was on the phone earlier today and I overheard her say that he knows he needs to make a change in his life, that he's recognizing what he's missing in his life. Thank goodness for that, because I know that when I was younger; he was my biggest hero. My other brother looked up to him without a doubt, and I know for a fact that his faith is there, it's just going through a rebellion stage. Just to see how far he can push the limits. My family are all very good people; some of the best I've ever met, and I'm not just saying that because their my family. Even just meeting them, you would know that I'm telling the truth. To stay so positive, happy, and fun to be around when their going through what their going through; it's truly an inspiration. They have all had their share of trials. Talking about my family just brings a smile to my face because I know that no matter what happens, they'll always be by my side. I think that everyone has things they need to work on, we all have flaws; even though we don't like to see it, we have them. But why not use those flaws to benefit us? Sounds kind of weird doesn't it? In seminary, one of the scripture masteries stated that we all have weaknesses, we were given them for a reason, to be humble. If we were perfect, how humble could we really be when everyone else has flaws and we didn't? We are given these little flaws for learning experiences, to become strong. You can turn those weaknesses into strengths. That was my favorite scripture of all time; mainly because I see how amazing my sisters are and how I wish that I was just like them... but I need to learn to be myself and be okay with who I am. Nobody is perfect, it's just the way life is meant to be, so don't let that get you down and just be glad that you are you. It scares me that my sisters will be getting married and moving away; there's nobody I'm closer with than them, but that's part of growing up. Their making their own lives and I get to be apart of that! You are all so strong, you can do anything that you really set your mind to, and that's not a lie. When I was about 10, I wanted to go canoeing so bad but I was told to wait till tomorrow. Of course I had my mind set on the fact that I would go on a canoe. So I dragged it all the way out from the shed to the lake by myself, and was ready to go. A 10 year old little girl. Just don't give up; giving up won't get you anywhere. Just have a little faith and you can do anything.

Every day.

Every day I walk out of school and my mom is there to get me; we have our daily convo. This is where we talk about the daily drama, new guys, new crushes, grades, and what went on. This is usually my favorite time of day; when it's about me and not my siblings for the moment. Just a good mother daughter moment. But I guess not many of my friends have anything that special, not even close to that? My friend Jonathon said that it was like my family was the ideal american family, where the daughter comes home and asks how her day was; just how perfect we seemed to be. It seems weird to me that other people wouldn't want to be that close to the people that they are related to; the ones that will be there the rest of their lives. Why though? There is nothing I could be happier about than just spending the day with my family; I could care less if my friends weren't able to hang out, I would much rather have my siblings and my parents. We all have that close friendship where anything that's wrong in the world just seems alright. Why doesn't everyone want something like that? Personally, I think we could all work harder at a closer family relationship; because these are the people that can help you get through anything. Don't you want someone you can come to when everything seems to just be going wrong? Family is everything... it's happiness, struggles, laughter, fighting, love, playful teasing... it's what makes life so amazing, so worth while.

So to my family; I love you guys, thanks for being there for me through everything.

A note to the fam

I do love you guys, with all my heart. There is not one thing that I wouldn't do for you. And I don't just mean the siblings that I am close with. I would love to be as close with every single one of you as I am with some of the ones that still live with us. But you're all growing up and creating your own lives. Always keep in touch, hearing from any one of you, just makes my day. Dad- You are an amazing individual. So intelligent and always trying to help others. You work hard to provide for the family and I love that about you. You're so fun to be with, always laughing and messing with us till we smile. You always bring a bit of happiness to all those who surround you. You really are one of the best men I have ever met and I am truly priveleged to have you as my father. Madre- Thank you for taking the time to teach me what you have. I promise I won't let you down and I will continue to make the right choices. Without your dilegence in the church, I wouldn't have been as close to it as I am. I know times have been tough. But whatever happens to us kids, know that it wasn't your fault. You both are great parents and I love you both very much. Sister Tiffany- It's been rough the past few years for you and I'm so sorry. I love you, the person you were, and the one you are today. No matter what you do, I will always be happy to see and hear from you. You're an amazing woman with great talent, don't give up on anything. Brother Brian- I know we're not as close as we could be, but I love seeing you. Drop in anytime, it's always a joy to see you! Thank you for taking me to dinner on my birthday, that meant a lot. I know you care, though you may not always show it. You have a great talent for taking pictures, I'm hoping that one day I can learn from you. Brother Kale- I am so proud of you for joining the military. It makes me realize that you're freaking awesome for even attempting to join. You've come so far in so little time. You're still young and you have time to correct some of the mistakes you've made and will make. Don't give up on yourself or anything else for that matter, because I know you're strong and you can make it through anything if you just try. Sister Kassy- It's always been hard for me to see how close you are to the older girls. I would love to know you as well as they do and just be around you. It's hard because you've never really lived with us.. but I'm hoping to change a few things. I love you so much and hearing from you every once in a while always brings a smile to my face. I wish you the best of luck with Josh and congrats! Sister Jessica- You are a great woman as well. When you're happy, you're so fun to be around! I love spending time with you. Our great scary movies nights and cheesy syfy's even. It's a fun time with you and dad that I wouldn't miss for the world. I know that it's hard having people you know get married and wondering why you're not. But don't rush it, you'll find something that deserves you and would never do anything to hurt you. Just smile and be happy for your sisters, because your time will come. Don't you worry. Sister Becca- You really are my best friend, someone I can come talk to about anything. I know you'll listen and just help me out the best that you can. You have so many talents that I wish I had, but I'm glad I get to see the things that make you happy. I will really miss you when you get married and leave to California, but I will be glad to have you visit every time that you can. Good luck with everything, and CONGRATS as well! Brother Jordan- Jordan you're a great young man and sometimes dad gets a little hard on you, but that's only because he cares about you and your future. Your going to be an adult shortly and you have a little growing to do with responsibility. You're so bright. I don't know if you even realize it, but it amazes me sometimes. You'll go far if you put in the time and effort. I love you, and it makes me sad to know that growing up, but happy that you get to make a life for yourself.
A family of 10. Wow. It amazes me that we all get along so well and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you guys. I'm proud of you all and don't forget how much I care. I don't care if you do some things that are completly stupid and something you know you should have done better, I'll be there for you.

association

Today in class we were talking about how the type of friends we hang out with and associate with depict who we really are. We had gone a little more into depth about the subject and it came out that if we choose people that don't lift us up and make us want to be the best that we can be, then is that really what we want? How can you become your best self when you have others tearing at yourself? Because the type of people we are around, we will soon become alike. "A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way that you are." We want to be around people that bring that smile to our faces, that shine in our eyes, and the respect that comes along with it. "I'd like to be the sort of friend that you have been to me, I'd like to be the help that you've always been glad to be; I'd like to mean as much to you each minute of the day, as you have meant old friend of mine, to me along the way." If you want the type of friends that these quotes refer to, shouldn't you start to be a better friend as well? Help those in need, you might make a new friend. Share what you have, for you will be blessed. And love who each and everyone is, because a true friend will not judge. Be the helping hand when someone is a little lost, be the light in their day. If you help others, you'll feel that much better about yourself. As an activity with my friends, we had gone to a food shelter to lend a hand about a week before Christmas. So many kind families had gotten up early to prepare food for those who may be a little behind and needing some assistance. Families were earlier "adopted" and presents had been bought for their family to share. As the families came by to see what the group of people had done for them.. their smiles were as big and bright as though they couldn't have had a better day, not ever. These people were so happy.. it was just a complete and humbling experience. Simple acts of service can brighten your spirit and maybe help you choose those friends that build you up.

Making it though these tough times.

These times are getting to be pretty tough for everyone; don't think you're the only one with trials, because you're not. It's pretty simple.. life will never be easy and you have to work hard for things. You're not alone in this. But did you ever really think that trials were just a test in life? That it's used to see how far we are willing to go for the things we love, believe, want, and or need. You shouldn't take things lightly, but rather take things like it were your last day to live. If you thought of things that way, would you be more willing to offer service? Help someone in need? Put more effort into your work? Just the simple things we take for granted make a big difference in our happiness. How can we truly be happy when we don't put forth the effort or the care? It is said that the purpose of life is a life of purpose. (Robert Byrne) So make things count.. make things matter.. try your best and don't give up until you have.